Thursday, September 18, 2014

Skinny Me Winners!

Thanks to the people who entered the drawing for the free e-book of Skinny Me, by Charlene Carr.

The three lucky winners are:

Michelle Baccus
Kristi Nettles

Please e-mail me so that I can send you the code (or make your profile here where you left the comment able to receive messages and I can send it that way for you).

For those of you who didn't win, you can buy the book here:
Skinny Me (A New Start Book 1)

Happy reading to you all!  :)

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Wednesday, September 17, 2014


If you read my blog the last couple of days, you know I did a book review for Skinny Me, and while I was reading it, it got me to questioning some things about myself.  The last few days I've been thinking a lot about self-esteem, or rather, my lack of it. 

Most people seem to think I am a confident person, and really, I'm not.  I'm probably one of the most insecure people out there and I have a lot of anxiety in social situations.  I've tried not to use it as an excuse not to do things and I'll force myself into certain interactions, but I'm often worried, nervous and very uncomfortable.

Deep down I know it doesn't matter what other people think, and really, most of the time I don't care.  I've always been the type of person to do what I want or believe what I believe even if others tell me I'm wrong.

There are times I just do not feel good enough though.

Even though deep down I know I'm a good person, I have demons that I just can't drown.  They've figured out how to swim.  (I heard that somewhere recently and thought, "That sounds like me.")

So much of the time I think that I am not smart enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough mother, and now that I've gained a bunch of the weight back that I lost, I feel like a failure, too.

It doesn't matter that I am still over 100 pounds lost and still far from where I started, all I can think about are the pounds I've gained, and I can't seem to get back the momentum I once had.  I don't know exactly why, there are a lot of reasons.  I'm trying to figure it out, but I feel more lost now than I did in the beginning. 

But the voices in my head are loud again.  I had them quiet for a while, but now all I think about is how ugly and awful I look.  If someone does compliment me, I don't believe it and assume they are just being nice.

There is a line in a Pink song that goes, "I'm a hazard to myself, don't let me get me.  I'm my own worst enemy."

Dr. Phil says something on his show like, "It takes 100 atta boys to make up for 1 you're stupid."  That feels true, because all I think of are the negative things people have said to me all my life and I can't believe the good things, even though I want to. 

I find myself wondering if all women are so critical of themselves.  Many of the ones I know seem confident, and I wonder if they are hiding their insecurities from the world as well.  Do they get up every morning and not want to get dressed thinking that they look awful no matter what they wear? 

When I was loving myself and more kind to myself, I was losing weight.  Now that I feel more unhappy than I have in a long time, I'm not.  I'm trying to find ways brighten my spirits, and do things only for me.  Even if it's a day I am not going to see anyone, I will put some perfume on and do my makeup.  Those little things make me feel better in some way, like I matter.

I do matter, I just have to make myself believe that.

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